2024-02-19 11:31![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
anyysconsciousness
anyysconsciousnessnot for the first time did i let out a few tears because of my brother's words.
for him to actually threaten me with death wishes just because i wouldn't let him watch a video without headphones. just because i wanted to sleep.
it hurts. so bad. always.
like a betrayal. like a knife to the heart.
i know this is payoff. for how poorly i have treated him when we were just little. but we were kids, i was a kid for christ's sake and it was hard and i didn't know better.
will it ever stop? i try. to be respectful. to not yell at him, but it's so hard when he's so infruriating! i have not seen him act on purely selfless means. he started gifting me food and as much as i am greatful, i cannon not see selfish reasons behind it. like he's giving it to me to calm me down, so i don't bother him or feel bad when i do.
and maybe it's not like that. maybe he does actually give me goods because he wants to make me happy. and i wish i saw it that way. but with how he has been acting, i just can't.
for him to actually threaten me with death wishes just because i wouldn't let him watch a video without headphones. just because i wanted to sleep.
it hurts. so bad. always.
like a betrayal. like a knife to the heart.
i know this is payoff. for how poorly i have treated him when we were just little. but we were kids, i was a kid for christ's sake and it was hard and i didn't know better.
will it ever stop? i try. to be respectful. to not yell at him, but it's so hard when he's so infruriating! i have not seen him act on purely selfless means. he started gifting me food and as much as i am greatful, i cannon not see selfish reasons behind it. like he's giving it to me to calm me down, so i don't bother him or feel bad when i do.
and maybe it's not like that. maybe he does actually give me goods because he wants to make me happy. and i wish i saw it that way. but with how he has been acting, i just can't.
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